Here we go again

Just a quick post here. I only seem to do this every couple of years but  I have 3 posts planned in the next few weeks. First will be an update about the many changes in my life since my last post about my struggles with depression. Secondly will be a post looking to the past regarding the joy as well as pain I've experienced in the church. The focus will be on the church I grew up in, and the church where I spent my mid to late thirties. The third post will look to the future! There are some ideas I've been kicking around that I may use this medium to help me flesh them out so I can set some goals. So stay tuned friends, because I’m not sure for how long but I'm back again.

Depression is a Liar

So it's been a very long time since I posted anything on here. I had the idea for this post more than a year ago but never really got started on it. I almost felt like who am I to even talk about something like this. I'm not a mental health professional, nor have I done a ton of exhaustive research. What could I have to say about this type of thing that's valid? However in the past I have sought treatment for this issue. So the more I thought about it while I may not be able to come from a clinical perspective I can speak from my own personal experience. So coming from that place I'd say my thoughts are valid especially recent events in my life considered.

I've struggled with depression most of my life to be honest. There are a great many factors that have played into this issue. Growing up without my Dad for the most part, my weight issues, and a myriad of other things from childhood to adulthood. The recent, and unexpected loss of my Mother has really been harsh, and caused a lot of turmoil as well. Now I want to make a couple of things clear here. First in regards to my Father I love him dearly, and we've built a pretty solid relationship up over the years. Second I don't blame things from my childhood for all my problems, but I also will not pretend that it has not affected me. They call them formative years for a reason. Finally with the loss of my Mother I'm still devastated by it, We'd shared what would be our final meal together only a few days before, and just like that she was gone.

See I've had what I would call a really bad year. I started 2016 with a new mantra. I said after being inspired by a version of the song that I would climb every mountain. I was going to get in even better shape than I'd gotten the previous year. I was going to make a big step up in competition and jump into the masters division of the IBJJF New York Spring open, and try to compete at a weight class lower than I ever have, I even had what seemed to be a promising relationship brewing, and finally while I was reluctant for many reasons I was going to try to make another step forward professionally too. I'd even been afforded an opportunity that I thought would help me with my professional goals. The day before this is supposed to happen I completely blow out my knee. I wanted it to be a sprain so badly, but after a lot of test and everything my fears were confirmed. I'd completely torn my medial meniscus as well as the lateral meniscus. Surgery was my only option if I ever wanted to train again, or even walk normally again. I couldn't work, I couldn't train all of the vacation time I had saved up was now going towards making sure I could stay afloat with bills, plus an upcoming move to a new a place. Some friends, and my mother rallied around me, and I was able to make it through. I was unable to drive so my mother had to drive me to all my appointments, and take care of a lot of other things for me which she did. Things started to improve I was finally able to walk after about 6 weeks of recovery and physical therapy, and went back to work, Then just like that it fell apart.  I watched the woman that gave me life die. There is no greater pain that I have ever felt. The relationship I'd been excited about was over too, but that was the least of my problems.

My mother and I over the last decade and a half had some real issues. It had become difficult for me to spend extended periods of time with her. We actually at one point went a full year without speaking. We talked over some of it, and honestly had to agree to disagree a lot. The big stuff I don't think ever got resolved though. That's been a huge source of confusion, and hurt for me in this whole thing. It's why I've been struggling again with the evil D word. Being in this depressed state my mind has been full of all these ideas. The idea that I'm a failure who never has, and never will live up to their potential. The idea that I have been a massive disappointment to not just my Mother, but my entire family. The idea that because of my station in life that I will never have a family of my own which is probably the greatest desire of my heart. That this and the other true desires of my heart will never happen for me. Finally the idea that I’m worthless. The hard part is that these thoughts are born out of bits and pieces of truth. However there is what I've discovered is a Yiddish proverb that says "A half-truth is a whole lie". Objectively I know this to be true. I've definitely made some mistakes in my 35 years, and they've cost me. However they aren't things that I can't come back from, and many of them I have. There is still much work ahead, and day by day it'll get done. Subjectively is another story.

I've often joked that I wish I could go through the Vulcan ritual of Kolinahr, and just purge all of my emotions. I'm a pretty sensitive/emotional person, and always have been. Some would say oversensitive for a man.  The fact remains that I am hurting right now. The new wounds have brought to light some old wounds that never healed. I'd just been ignoring them which really just isn't healthy in any sense. I wish I could fix this on my own, and have tried to do so for many years. The fact is I have to be man enough to admit that I cannot do this on my own. When you're down it is just to easy to let the lies take hold and fester in your mind. The song I took the title of this blog from says it best

"And the deceiver is here
Feel the grieving the teeth
Cleaving any reason to tare
Breathing the heat in a season of fear
Got you beat as a snare dreaming of air
Feet leaving you there
Either belief or despair
Beneath your aware
When it speaks feel the temperature peak in your ear
Its all fair or its warfare
Hidden in the walls bare
The children who call more then y’all hear"

There have been things that have helped me survive during this dark time in my life. My close friends have really been there for me as well as some family members. Sometimes just to listen other times to help me take my mind off of things. Also giving me space when I need it. My church community has been there especially for me. My Pastor, and a few other members of my church have also lost parents this year. We are all hurting from our own losses, but also from each other’s losses. I can't speak for them, but I at least suspect that it has been helpful to know they aren't alone in this alone. I know it has for me. The return to training has helped as well. It's been frustrating especially with the unfortunate consequence of being inactive for several months being gaining a lot of the weight I'd lost back. Not all of it thankfully, but that's not the point. The truth is even with some of these support systems in place it’s not been quite enough. My mind continues to go too some very dark places. Almost daily I relive the loss of my Mother. Also I’m the kind of person where as much as I want too, and get pleasure from helping people I have a difficult time asking for help. I don’t ever want to be seen as weak, but the truth is right now I am. I knew I should’ve done it months ago, but one night when I was having a really hard time I put a call in to a counseling hotline. It was hard to open up at first, but once it began flowing it felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I agreed to setup some counseling appointments as well.

                For some it may seem strange opening up to a complete stranger. However at least in my experience having a neutral party that isn’t connected to any other part of your life, and has training in that area is very helpful. You know they aren’t trying appease you out of love and or pity. They are there to listen and too help. In a way I’m actually looking forward to taking this step, because I want to be able to move forward in my life, and right now I just don’t have the tools to do so. I believe this will give me said tools. Depression isn’t something you can just will away. Ignoring it doesn’t help either it just comes back at you with a vengeance when you can’t ignore it any longer. Anxiety, anger, sadness are what many of us have to look forward too if we don’t do something. At times I’ve even wished I was dead. Now to be clear I have never ever entertained thoughts of suicide. At my darkest moments I’ve just thought I would be okay if I didn’t wake up tomorrow or ever again. That’s not better for sure, but it’s important to distinguish I believe.

So how do you go about getting help? For me like I said before there is a program through my employer that allows you to make confidential calls, and possibly seek counseling, and my health benefits also include mental health coverage. I’m willing to bet many other people have this option and don’t know it so maybe talk to your HR person.  Many churches if you are a person of faith like myself can have a Pastor, or other religious leader counsel you as well, or at least recommend a faith based counselor if it’s beyond their area of expertise if you’d like to go that route.  There are programs through universities, and even some volunteer based groups in some cities that can at least get you started on the road to recovery. If you need/want help it is out there. https://psychcentral.com/lib/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/ has a nice list of resources.

I’m not super hyped about putting myself out here like this but, I chose to write this post for a couple of reasons. First it was very therapeutic for me to get this off of my chest. In my prior experience with counseling they told me writing about my feelings can be very helpful and I believe that to be correct. Secondly I hope anyone who does read this who has or currently is struggling with depression/grief or anything like it to know that you are not alone. I want to say that again You are not alone. You don’t have to stay in the dark places there are ways out. Also for people who may know someone who is struggling my hope is that you will get a picture of what it’s like to deal with something like this, and begin/continue to be patient with, and kind to them. It seems especially with men that the tough love approach is tried with friends. I believe tough love works in some situations, but not with something like this. If nothing else I think it only makes it worse. So gentleman, and ladies too please bare that in mind.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: Mat Burn, and Life Lessons Part 1

The following statement is 100% true. I absolutely love Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and I thank God for the opportunity to train. It's not unusual for me to tell people when they inquire about it that taking up BJJ is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I would also say the only thing I regret is not starting sooner, but the more I think about it I've decided that's not really true. As strange as it is to say I feel like on a day in May 2013 at 32 years of age, and in some of the worst shape of my life I picked the perfect time to start. Before I go any further I think a little bit of background is necessary here just so you can see where I'm coming from. First where I train is Stout Training Pittsburgh which is an affiliate of Team Renzo Gracie. The Gracie name is synonymous with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and Renzo is an absolute legend. The man would take on any challenger regardless of the odds for or against him. The head of our academy Warren Stout earned his black belt from Renzo, and on top of being an excellent teacher was/is one hell of a competitor in his own right as a Division I collegiate wrestler, and high level BJJ practitioner. I met him by chance at work, and later met some other members of the academy, and desperately wanted to join myself. I even told one of my good friends about it who wound up joining up long before I did ironically. It took me roughly two years to actually finally begin my training. The reasons (excuses) I had for not joining initially sounded valid. The class times didn't work with my work schedule, I wasn't sure if I could afford it, I wanted to try to get into some sort of shape before starting because you know...fat guy over here. That's what I would tell Warren, and my friends who knew how much I wanted to try it, and they'd believe me. The fact is I was lying through my teeth. I was scared to death of looking stupid, and failing. However 2013 turned out to be a year of changes for me, and one of them was facing the fear and choking it unconscious (that was a semi subtle BJJ reference). I actually look back at my first day and I have to laugh at myself. I couldn't finish the warm up, and by the end of the class I was so exhausted I needed help to stay upright and get off the mats. One of the instructors saw this and said "come on man don't die you'll be alright". Fast forward a few weeks and I'm sorta kinda finishing the warm ups it's taking a while but it's happening. Thus begins the first life lesson BJJ has been teaching me that being perseverance. The word Perseverance means "steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success". In our culture we're always looking for the shortest easiest path to success, and in some instances that's not a bad thing after all nobody wants to deal with unnecessary complications. As you grow wiser though you start to realize their are no shortcuts in life. In the context of learning Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu when it comes to technique and position you have to drill it until you get it. At times a change in approach will become necessary, but the fact remains you won't get it unless you work at it continuously. Some people will get it faster than you do but that doesn't matter. You can't worry about that you have to do whatever it takes for YOU to get it. If you have to drill 1000 times what took your teammate drilling 50 times to learn then just do it. What matters is that when it's said and done you got it. I've begun to take this same mentality into work with me. I'm learning several new job functions, and I want to be good at them now, but not all of them are coming easily for me. However I'm sticking with it I'm doing what I need to do in order to master these task. In the same way I'm confident that in a fight between me now, and me in May 2013 the me now would win easily. I know that compared to when I first started learning my new responsibilities at work I can do them way better than that first day. That's just a small example but it's a nice segue to my next point. I don't have the specific numbers or anything but I think it's still safe to say when most people say that they do martial arts they mean Karate. I'm not going to get down on Karate don't worry I actually have a special place in my heart for it and respect anybody who really sticks with it. In most cases those who stick with it go from white belt (beginner) to black belt in around two years or so. That's true in the USA anyway home of the McDojo (C.S. Kim anyone). In some of the more traditional dojo's it will take a good bit longer than that for most but they are the exception rather than the norm. In BJJ it is quite the opposite. Unless your name is BJ Penn it will most likely take you anywhere from ten to fifteen years if not longer to earn your black belt. Of course there are some amazing people like the aforementioned BJ Penn who earn their black belts in a shorter time period but they are again the exception rather than the norm. In BJJ it's all about the journey so be patient, stay humble, and enjoy the process. Let me repeat that last phrase be patient, stay humble and enjoy the process. This society is very goal oriented, and I don't think that is really a bad thing. From the time you start primary school you're told to set goals for you life then you're asked what you want to be when you grow up, or where do you want to be by the time you're 30, and so on and so forth. In my experience though I think too much emphasis is placed on the goal itself, and not enough on the process it takes to get there. I also believe that when you meet said goal it's not the end but the beginning of the next part of your journey. With each milestone in BJJ or life it's a good thing to look back at what you did on your way there right and wrong just take stock of it all. That can be very hard to do especially revisiting what you've done wrong in getting to where you are. I know personally I've struggled with wanting the rewards without having done the work. I'd get upset because it seemed so easy for other people. To use another BJJ related example I look at one of the other instructors at the academy. Mike Wilkins on top of being an excellent instructor is a professional Mixed Martial Artist. The two fights of his I've watched have one thing in common, and that's the fact that he made it look easy. Despite what he may tell you, since Mike is a bit of a comedian, he didn't wake up that good. Those performances are the sum of countless hours in wrestling practice growing up, BJJ practice, boxing practice, strength and conditioning, dieting, and sacrificing time with his loved ones. When you take that into account it doesn't sound so easy anymore. In the workplace, and in life those who really make a difference tend to be the ones who put in the work. It may look easy on the surface, but perhaps that's the problem. We only see the fruit and never take into account the labor that went into producing that fruit. I know I've spent too much time in my life wishing I could do things rather than putting in the work, and doing them. Now though I'm driven to improve, and exceed even my own expectations in BJJ, and in life. I could go on forever about these lessons, but I think I've made my point. Not too mention there are many many more lessons about life I'm going to learn during my BJJ journey. So stay tuned because I plan on sharing them all as they come. Now if you would rather learn firsthand check out the links below for more information.

If you're in the Pittsburgh Metropolitan Area (including parts of Ohio and West Virginia) check out
www.stouttrainpitt.com

If you're not in the area, but would like to check out a Renzo Gracie affiliated Academy check
http://www.renzogracie.com/academies/affiliated/

If none of these are in your area then there are many other great affiliations like Gracie Barra, Alliance, and many more that probably are around.

Thanks for reading!

Back for the very third time....

Oh hi there! My name is Jonathan some people call me Jon, but if you're reading this you most likely knew that already. At some point towards the end of 2013 I decided that I wanted to start blogging again. Why you ask? Well I'll let you know when I figure it out. Seriously though I think writing is an great outlet, and thought it might be fun to share my thoughts with others. Thoughts on what? Well I'm glad you asked, and the answer is....any and everything. See I thought about focusing on one specific subject, but in all honesty that wouldn't work out to well. My certified ADD brain just doesn't work that way. I can however give any potential readers an idea of what you may find on here. My passions in life are Faith, Philosophy/Theology, Music, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and I also happen to be a huge fan of Science Fiction, Soccer(I prefer to call it Football but eh I'm an American living in America so what're ya gonna do), comic books, and video games. There's a lot more to me than that but I think you get the idea. The truth is though even with those passions and interest I listed I'm still going to talk about whatever my brain let's me focus on at that moment. Oh so I should probably explain why I named this first post "Back for the very third time..." well there are a few reasons for that. First it's a reference to a line from a Dilated Peoples song, second this is in fact my third attempt at blogging so it just seemed to fit. Actually come to think of it when I was setting up this account I came across my two old blogs which were also on blogger, and thought maybe I'd just pick up where I left off. After reading them again however I decided it was best to start over from scratch. My last post on the former blog was in 2007 I believe, and I realized pretty quickly that during that period I was younger, dumber, and over all very different from the person I am now. It really is amazing to me what an impact age, and experience have on you. One thing is for sure when I read some of my old post from the 1st blog my initial thought was "boy what a whiny bitch this guy is". Later on I thought about it more, and realized I wasn't reading it in context. The guy writing those post hadn't experienced any of the stuff he was complaining about before and had no idea what to do. He never would've admitted it but he was scared to death, and very hurt by some things that happened or were happening in his life. It wasn't a game anymore everything that happened from here on out was on him. He'd seen his enemy and it's name was naivety. I still wish this guy would've manned up a little sooner, but he got there. The second attempt at blogging wasn't much better because that guy was attempting to be someone he clearly was not, but I don't want to be too hard on him he was still trying to figure out who he was. Also he was me, and I know a lot more about me than I did back then so I know he began to figure it out eventually. So yeah that was a long winded way of saying it was better to leave the past where it belongs. I think that about says it all for now. I'm planning on doing at least one more post this month and I plan to do to do a minimum of one post per month after that (hopefully more). So until next time I leave you with this!