Depression is a Liar

So it's been a very long time since I posted anything on here. I had the idea for this post more than a year ago but never really got started on it. I almost felt like who am I to even talk about something like this. I'm not a mental health professional, nor have I done a ton of exhaustive research. What could I have to say about this type of thing that's valid? However in the past I have sought treatment for this issue. So the more I thought about it while I may not be able to come from a clinical perspective I can speak from my own personal experience. So coming from that place I'd say my thoughts are valid especially recent events in my life considered.

I've struggled with depression most of my life to be honest. There are a great many factors that have played into this issue. Growing up without my Dad for the most part, my weight issues, and a myriad of other things from childhood to adulthood. The recent, and unexpected loss of my Mother has really been harsh, and caused a lot of turmoil as well. Now I want to make a couple of things clear here. First in regards to my Father I love him dearly, and we've built a pretty solid relationship up over the years. Second I don't blame things from my childhood for all my problems, but I also will not pretend that it has not affected me. They call them formative years for a reason. Finally with the loss of my Mother I'm still devastated by it, We'd shared what would be our final meal together only a few days before, and just like that she was gone.

See I've had what I would call a really bad year. I started 2016 with a new mantra. I said after being inspired by a version of the song that I would climb every mountain. I was going to get in even better shape than I'd gotten the previous year. I was going to make a big step up in competition and jump into the masters division of the IBJJF New York Spring open, and try to compete at a weight class lower than I ever have, I even had what seemed to be a promising relationship brewing, and finally while I was reluctant for many reasons I was going to try to make another step forward professionally too. I'd even been afforded an opportunity that I thought would help me with my professional goals. The day before this is supposed to happen I completely blow out my knee. I wanted it to be a sprain so badly, but after a lot of test and everything my fears were confirmed. I'd completely torn my medial meniscus as well as the lateral meniscus. Surgery was my only option if I ever wanted to train again, or even walk normally again. I couldn't work, I couldn't train all of the vacation time I had saved up was now going towards making sure I could stay afloat with bills, plus an upcoming move to a new a place. Some friends, and my mother rallied around me, and I was able to make it through. I was unable to drive so my mother had to drive me to all my appointments, and take care of a lot of other things for me which she did. Things started to improve I was finally able to walk after about 6 weeks of recovery and physical therapy, and went back to work, Then just like that it fell apart.  I watched the woman that gave me life die. There is no greater pain that I have ever felt. The relationship I'd been excited about was over too, but that was the least of my problems.

My mother and I over the last decade and a half had some real issues. It had become difficult for me to spend extended periods of time with her. We actually at one point went a full year without speaking. We talked over some of it, and honestly had to agree to disagree a lot. The big stuff I don't think ever got resolved though. That's been a huge source of confusion, and hurt for me in this whole thing. It's why I've been struggling again with the evil D word. Being in this depressed state my mind has been full of all these ideas. The idea that I'm a failure who never has, and never will live up to their potential. The idea that I have been a massive disappointment to not just my Mother, but my entire family. The idea that because of my station in life that I will never have a family of my own which is probably the greatest desire of my heart. That this and the other true desires of my heart will never happen for me. Finally the idea that I’m worthless. The hard part is that these thoughts are born out of bits and pieces of truth. However there is what I've discovered is a Yiddish proverb that says "A half-truth is a whole lie". Objectively I know this to be true. I've definitely made some mistakes in my 35 years, and they've cost me. However they aren't things that I can't come back from, and many of them I have. There is still much work ahead, and day by day it'll get done. Subjectively is another story.

I've often joked that I wish I could go through the Vulcan ritual of Kolinahr, and just purge all of my emotions. I'm a pretty sensitive/emotional person, and always have been. Some would say oversensitive for a man.  The fact remains that I am hurting right now. The new wounds have brought to light some old wounds that never healed. I'd just been ignoring them which really just isn't healthy in any sense. I wish I could fix this on my own, and have tried to do so for many years. The fact is I have to be man enough to admit that I cannot do this on my own. When you're down it is just to easy to let the lies take hold and fester in your mind. The song I took the title of this blog from says it best

"And the deceiver is here
Feel the grieving the teeth
Cleaving any reason to tare
Breathing the heat in a season of fear
Got you beat as a snare dreaming of air
Feet leaving you there
Either belief or despair
Beneath your aware
When it speaks feel the temperature peak in your ear
Its all fair or its warfare
Hidden in the walls bare
The children who call more then y’all hear"

There have been things that have helped me survive during this dark time in my life. My close friends have really been there for me as well as some family members. Sometimes just to listen other times to help me take my mind off of things. Also giving me space when I need it. My church community has been there especially for me. My Pastor, and a few other members of my church have also lost parents this year. We are all hurting from our own losses, but also from each other’s losses. I can't speak for them, but I at least suspect that it has been helpful to know they aren't alone in this alone. I know it has for me. The return to training has helped as well. It's been frustrating especially with the unfortunate consequence of being inactive for several months being gaining a lot of the weight I'd lost back. Not all of it thankfully, but that's not the point. The truth is even with some of these support systems in place it’s not been quite enough. My mind continues to go too some very dark places. Almost daily I relive the loss of my Mother. Also I’m the kind of person where as much as I want too, and get pleasure from helping people I have a difficult time asking for help. I don’t ever want to be seen as weak, but the truth is right now I am. I knew I should’ve done it months ago, but one night when I was having a really hard time I put a call in to a counseling hotline. It was hard to open up at first, but once it began flowing it felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I agreed to setup some counseling appointments as well.

                For some it may seem strange opening up to a complete stranger. However at least in my experience having a neutral party that isn’t connected to any other part of your life, and has training in that area is very helpful. You know they aren’t trying appease you out of love and or pity. They are there to listen and too help. In a way I’m actually looking forward to taking this step, because I want to be able to move forward in my life, and right now I just don’t have the tools to do so. I believe this will give me said tools. Depression isn’t something you can just will away. Ignoring it doesn’t help either it just comes back at you with a vengeance when you can’t ignore it any longer. Anxiety, anger, sadness are what many of us have to look forward too if we don’t do something. At times I’ve even wished I was dead. Now to be clear I have never ever entertained thoughts of suicide. At my darkest moments I’ve just thought I would be okay if I didn’t wake up tomorrow or ever again. That’s not better for sure, but it’s important to distinguish I believe.

So how do you go about getting help? For me like I said before there is a program through my employer that allows you to make confidential calls, and possibly seek counseling, and my health benefits also include mental health coverage. I’m willing to bet many other people have this option and don’t know it so maybe talk to your HR person.  Many churches if you are a person of faith like myself can have a Pastor, or other religious leader counsel you as well, or at least recommend a faith based counselor if it’s beyond their area of expertise if you’d like to go that route.  There are programs through universities, and even some volunteer based groups in some cities that can at least get you started on the road to recovery. If you need/want help it is out there. https://psychcentral.com/lib/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/ has a nice list of resources.

I’m not super hyped about putting myself out here like this but, I chose to write this post for a couple of reasons. First it was very therapeutic for me to get this off of my chest. In my prior experience with counseling they told me writing about my feelings can be very helpful and I believe that to be correct. Secondly I hope anyone who does read this who has or currently is struggling with depression/grief or anything like it to know that you are not alone. I want to say that again You are not alone. You don’t have to stay in the dark places there are ways out. Also for people who may know someone who is struggling my hope is that you will get a picture of what it’s like to deal with something like this, and begin/continue to be patient with, and kind to them. It seems especially with men that the tough love approach is tried with friends. I believe tough love works in some situations, but not with something like this. If nothing else I think it only makes it worse. So gentleman, and ladies too please bare that in mind.